Imposter syndrome
Praise and blame alike mean nothing...So long as you write what you wish to write, that is all that matters; and whether it matters for ages or for hours, nobody can say. But to sacrifice a hair of the head of your vision, a shade of its colour, in deference to...some professor with a measuring rod up his sleeve, is the most abject treachery’
According to Virginia Woolf, all you need to be a happy writer is a room of your own and a modest income per year. Now you might think that it’s all very well for good old Virginia to be dismissive about the measuring rod up some professor's sleeve since she didn’t have to get a PhD or pass her viva, get published in peer review journals, or get an academic post, all of which is literally submitting yourself to the professor’s measuring rod.
Nonetheless, what this epigraph captures is the fear of judgment of others as an obstacle to good writing (whomever they may be). This is the fear that keeps you from writing and the fear that keeps you from finishing. Fear of not being perfect, equates to the proposition that you don't want to be criticised (well, doh, you have now entered the business of being criticised). So, the thought process goes, if you just read one more article, spend one more day polishing that sentence for the 500th time magically you won’t be criticised. Spoiler alert: you will be criticised (measured) no matter what you do. People will critique your work - that is what it’s there for after all - it is there to be engaged with.
It almost feels perverse to point out that perfectionism is a flaw - and this is why perfectionism is a tricky little bugger - because it almost feels like a badge of honour. Indeed some people treat it as one: 'I'm not sloppy or slap-dash, I like things to be just right - what's wrong with that?'. Well... it is kind of insulting to everyone around you to think you are special and the only one who wants your work to be of decent quality. Ego check people - we all want that.
Perfectionism is a little devil that needs to be confronted: it is not helping you, it is your writing enemy. Yes, your work needs to be quality. But deep down inside we know the line between improving your prose on your final draft of the chapter, and spending hours, just two paragraphs into a blank piece of paper agonising over whether that is the right verb or not. Typing and deleting a word or sentence endless times. This behavioural habit eats up your precious writing slots and you come away feeling you have achieved nothing. And you would be right. This creates negative emotions around your writing practice. This is not a productive way to write. This is not a badge of honour. You have gone from artisanal writing to procrastination and you didn't even notice. Worse still, you think this is a good thing.
When you feel that perfectionist urge come along - name and shame it. Move forward, one bad verb at a time.
TODAY I WILL…
Update my task list for the week;
Schedule at least 1 writing slot away from my favoured writing space;
Reflect on my tendency towards perfectionism and/or imposter syndrome in my journal;
Write for 2 hours minimum working my way down my list.